The day of 5’s

Today’s date is 05/05/05. It is only significant if formatted that way, as our year of the lord is actually 2005, not 05. However as 5 is the best number, I’m willing to make some concessions in order to enjoy the glory.
Pzoo has sent off the final master of our new record, and within the next few weeks we should receive our first pressing. It is going to be really exciting to hold the finished product in our hands, we’ll probably celebrate a little when Jeff brings the first box over. It is the culmination of 5-6 months of work. We shall rejoice.
Anna’s father is most likely leaving his job, meaning he is on the search for another one. This could possibly mean that my in-law’s would move to a different city or state. I know not that long ago he was offered a job in Seattle, but they declined in order to stay near the babies, and us. However now if they receive an offer, we may be looking at moving before we thought. If they go, it is highly likely that we will follow. I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand, it would be really exciting to leave this state behind, begin somewhere fresh, and not have to work at this job anymore. On the other hand, it would really suck to leave behind all the people I have met and befriended over the years (not that I see them all that often, however, so this one isn’t such a big deal), as well as needing to leave the band behind. I feel as though we have built something really special, and the relationships I have with them are probably stronger than most other relationships in my life. We are literally a band of folks, a group, 4 guys you know you can trust, and who understand how each other ticks. It is not that easy to find the correct chemical balance to encourage creativity and growth. It took me many years and some blind luck to find the three gentlemen in Pzoo. We have evolved as performers, songwriters, and people together. Not to mention the financial investment in the group is well over $10,000. The majority of that, as in, over 90% came out of Jeff’s pocket. I have always felt that we would eventually make enough money so that Jeff could get his investment back. I feel that if I left at this stage in the game it is quite possible that the band would disintegrate. I’m not trying to overinflate my importance in the group, but we are all getting older, and I don’t really see the group trying to start back from square one again after so many years of progress. They haven’t played as a three piece in years, and I’m not sure they would want to. I don’t actually know, they may wind up chugging along without keyboards. They certainly don’t lack talent, but I know it would be a huge psychological blow to lose a “key” member in the group. I know it would be bothersome to me, but at the same time Anna has already given up so much, why shouldn’t I make some sacrifices also? I guess I’m just a lot less giving of a person than Anna is. She has made several sacrifices, and I don’t really feel as though I have made many if any. This would be a big one, I would probably cry. And I’m not even sure if I would cry at a family funeral. That is how important these guys are to me. This band is a HUGE part of my life, and really besides working and spending time with our family it is the only thing I do. But I guess the good times can’t last forever, and who knows, maybe it will work out for the best? I have no way of knowing, so I can’t automatically assume it is going to be awful. In fact, I don’t even know that we will end up moving, it’s just the possibility that has gotten me thinking more and more about the band. We have just finished recording a full length album, which is easily our best recording. We are hiring a PR firm to spread the word, and maybe get some kind of deal from it. Whether it be distribution, a label, more promotion, anything that will be an impetus for the group getting closer to our goal of being in Particle Zoo for a living. I guess nothing is really changing at the moment, we will just chug along as if I don’t have the cloud of relocation looming over us. I’m not even sure if I want to tell the group about it yet, as it may cause further unecessary concern. Like I say all the time, “we’ll see”.


Author: jayholler

A technology lover living in California with my wife and two children.

4 thoughts on “The day of 5’s”

  1. First, we don’t have any idea what’s going to happen. We don’t HAVE to move, even if my parents do. I won’t lie, I’ll be irritated and in a bad mood if we have the opportunity to leave New Jersey and we do not take it; but I’ll get over it. We won’t get divorced, one of us won’t leave while the other one staus, it won’t be that dramatic. I’ll just be mad.

    I have to say, I’m saddened to read this. It’s so strange to hear you say that the good times can’t last forever. You’re 26 years old, Jay. There are much better times to come. Whether they be here or elsewhere and whether PZoo be involved or not… they will happen.

    When you met me, I was in a period of transition. Before I met you I was getting all of my grad stuff ready to send out to creative writing schools on the west coast- but then my sister died and I had to come home and stay close to my parents for a little while. That’s when I met you. And then I was pregnant and then we got married and so we needed to settle down where we were. But still, we both mutually agreed that though our lives needed to stay in New Jersey for the time being, it was very important to us to leave before our child was of school age. You talked about starting your own band when we went called The Sour Apples and we would build a house too. I’m a little bit confused to hear this now.

    I understand how important Particle Zoo is to you, Jay. That’s why I’ve never asked that they leave when I have a fussy baby on my hands and bags the size of Montana under my eyes and a pounding headache. That’s why I okayed you to play shows in state and out of state up until I come to term with my pregnancy. That’s why I am willing to give them money we don’t have. That’s why I cook them dinner whenever I can. I understand and I appreciate and value the role they play in your life.


    I do not want to raise my children in New Jersey. I was not raised here. I do not like the pace of New Jersey, the hostility of the mentality of the general public, how culturally barren it is (even though we live so close to NYC) how uptight it is, how conservative it is and on and on… Not to mention how economically challenging it is and hwo that represses people who are ready to live on their own but can’t afford it and won’t be able to do so unless they are traditionally good students who are college bound. And if they are not than they are hindered in growth because they are forced to live with their parents for extended periods of time… and that is a detriment to them and their individuality.

    So whereas Particle Zoo is important to you, our children are important to me. You can decide your priorities and I will not blame you for them or persecute you for them… but understand that I do have my own.

    You can decide what sacrifices are worth being made. Like I always say when it comes to choices and PZoo, you do what you feel is best and I will make do with what I’ve got. I don’t want you to do anything that is going to lessen your quality of life. I appreciate how much you do for our family and we’ll make whatever happens work for us.

  2. I’m glad to read your thoughts on this subject. I think when the time comes, I will be ready to leave NJ. I agree that we should leave here before the girls get too old, and I agree that it is a stinky place to live for all the reasons you listed…agressive mentality, too expensive, etc. I think my viewing of this situation has been a little too myopic. My big worry is how us moving would affect the band, and that it would probably mean the death of Pzoo indefinitely. However, I also agree that the best thing for our family would be to get outta here, and find someplace better to live. If we have the opportunity to leave NJ, I think we should do it. I just feel guilty leaving the band, is all. I think it will be easier for me to get over that than for you to get over not getting out of NJ. To be honest, I think NJ living affects you more negatively than it does me. I agree that it’s shitty, but I think I’ve lived here so long I’m sort of numb to it. In conclusion, I agree with you. I think leaving the band is going to be worth our continued happiness, if it comes down to it. Of course ideally Pzoo would make it big enough so that we could still do the band and move to another state. But that is a real long shot. It might even be a long shot that Pzoo is ever sucessful enough to pay the bills. If we wind up having to leave, I will at least have the experiences, and the friendships, and the memories of all the things I’ve been through with the band. And sure it might be difficult to find that good of a situation again in another place where I don’t know anybody, but life is an adventure right? I’m supposed to be the one who loves changes. And I do. Just some are harder to cope with. Anyway, I’m sure it will work out fine, whatever happens, I’m just being paranoid.

  3. Yes, it only makes sense that I should be more bothered by NJ than someone who was born and raised here. We all tend to gravitate toward what we’re familiar with. I’ve lived in a lot of places and visited a lot of places, and outside of MA, NJ is my least favorite. I’m not miserable here or anything, it’s just not where I want to live.

    In reference to PZoo, I feel plenty bad about your leaving the band, though my saddness is in your departure and not the demise of Particle Zoo. I do not think that PZoo will die out when you leave, nor do I think they’d perform as a three piece. I think that if we were to find out we were leaving you’d start looking around for a good keyboard player and begin teaching him (or her) the ropes.

    Musically, you’ve come a long way with Particle Zoo. Hopefully, you guys will grow even more than you already have. BUT, there are other people to play with and you’re a very talented person. As sad as it would be to leave these people who you work with so well and who you respect so much, it would also be really refreshing to begin a new band that plays new music and stretch yourself to go in a direction you may not have gone with Jeff, Scott and John. The three of them are clearly very talented guys and your chemistry is enough to make a career of, but they are not the other people you’d be musically atune to and what is waiting for you might be even better than what you’ve got. Yes, it means taking what you’ve done, learning from it, feeling proud of it and then walking away. And that is potentially sad. But it’s also potentially great.

  4. I love reading your insights honey. I think you’re right. I’m still young, I guess it is just hard for me to wrap my head around the concept of leaving them for good. Although, I guess at some point it must happen, right? We’ve had years of shows, rehearsals, and general good times hanging around and doing what we do best. Even if we leave, I’ll always have that. I will always have the fond memories with my bandmates who became my good friends. For the record I think you’re right. I will find other people to enjoy the performance of music with, and so will they. It’s just always sad thinking about the end of a project that has been a huge part of my life for so many years.

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